Whoever Yells First, Loses

Whoever yells first, loses. I love this rule. And I’ve found that it applies in parenting, just as it applies in marriage and at work. Many people will disagree with me on this one…but my bet is that those folks are “yellers”.

It all comes down to control. The basic idea is that when we sense that things are getting a bit out of control with our toddlers, the solution is for us to raise our voice a bit to recapture their attention, and thusly regain control. Thusly? Yeah, the whole concept is about that silly.

You know how the game goes. Toddler “Suzie” is not complying with the current guidelines so you raise the volume of your voice a bit to get her attention. The first time you do this it might actually work. But did you notice that the second time you had to turn the volume from “2″, to “3″? Before long you’ve dialed the volume up to “11″….your throat is getting scratchy, the dog is hiding under the kitchen table and the neighbor mowing his lawn is looking towards your window wondering if he should maybe call “911″. Meanwhile, your toddler is giving you a sideways glance while they happily continue whatever it is that you’re attempting to stop them from doing.

And then when you do get their attention, what do they do? They yell right back at you. Yes, dear friends, they are good learners.

Ok, maybe I’ve exaggerated things a bit (I doubt it), but you get the idea. Many of us are a part of a culture that believes that louder is stronger. The reality is just the opposite. The reality is that the volume of the voice goes up as we sense our level of control of the situation going down. So we raise our voice to regain control, somehow believing that whoever yells the loudest is the one in charge.

I’ve seen it at work. I’ve had three bosses who were yellers. They believed that when they yelled at people, they could get those people to do what they wanted them to do. That always made me chuckle (which is not something I recommend when you are in a meeting and the boss is yelling at everyone…trust me). And it is a common technique in marriage. When you aren’t getting the response you want…raise the volume…that ought to do it! The result is that we end up with noisy offices and homes in which nobody gets what they really want out of the deal.

You see, the problem with yelling is that if we buy the concept that the loudest yeller is in control, we have just created an outstanding game for toddlers  to play. They can yell. Perhaps they can’t yell louder that we can, but they can certainly yell longer…and in this case…that works out to be a “win”. And besides, remember that stuff about “attention”? Loud attention is cooler than not-loud attention to a toddler…so hey…bring it on! Again, adult logic loses out to toddlers getting the cookies they are after.

So if yelling isn’t the answer, what is? Just the opposite. Go quiet. I’ve always enjoyed watching a really good leader at work…the person who really understands how to get control of an uncontrollable group or situation. Everyone is yelling and ranting, “stuff” is flying all over the place, and this one person is sitting there watching…quietly watching and looking at each person in the group. The same thing always happens. After a few minutes, the entire group stops their dance and turns to the quiet one, who has then, without one word, been GIVEN control of the group. I’ve seen it in corporate board rooms, and at kitchen tables. The fact is, while someone can always yell louder, it is really hard to get quieter than quiet.

The next time the toddler dance begins over whatever the heck it is, and the toddler positions him or herself for “debate mode” with you, rather than following the expected dance steps of doing the “back & forth I can get louder than you can” step, just go silent. This will take some focus and some serious effort. The toddler will their absolute best to get you back in step, pushing every button they can push to get you back into the mix of things…but you CANNOT join in. Your voice remains calm, and you may calmly repeat the same few words over and over, each time as calmly as the previous calm times you calmly said them (there were some hints in that last sentence).

Volume does not equal control. Volume does not equal “power”. Volume equals volume, and is the sign of someone who is attempting to regain control. If you are attempting to regain control, that clearly means you have somehow “lost” that control. If you lost it…the toddler has it. While you love them dearly, trust me, you don’t want to put them in control…really…honest.

Whoever yells first, loses. It works. When you try it with your toddler it can have powerful results. And when you try it on your spouse, it will drive them crazy. BONUS!

You can do this…keep smiling.

I Can’t…

I remember the parent meeting like it was last night…though it was probably 15 years ago.  We sat in the circle with 30 parents of toddlers, talking about how to “do” this parenting thing. One mother sat in her chair, looking like she had, well, like she had spent the day with a toddler. I asked if anyone had anything they wanted to talk about. She sighed, took a deep breath and started telling us about “Timmy” (no, not the real name and I don’t have any particular “Timmy” in mind here so relax if you have one).

She explained that Timmy was very strong-willed, and that she had problems getting him to behave. Timmy was 3 at the time. Shen then got to the core of the problem…let me just share the conversation with you as I recall it…

“I just can’t get him to settle down. Last night I needed him to sit on the couch with me so we could fix his shoes, and he wouldn’t do it. I would pick him up and put him on the couch and he would slide back to the floor. I explained to him that he needed to sit on the couch but he wouldn’t listen. I must have picked him up at least 15 times, and each time he got back on the floor. This happens every night…EVERY NIGHT! I just can’t get him to do anything. He is impossible.”

Any thoughts? Here was my response as I remember it…

“You can’t get him to do anything?”

“No…”

“Ok, here’s one suggestion. Tonight, when you want him to sit on the couch, pick him up and place him where you want him, and then quickly turn around and sit down right on top of him…that ought to do it.”

(Note…mom was a rather large individual, immediately giving everyone in the room the same mental picture)

(Note #2…no, I am not seriously suggesting that anyone sits on your child…hang-on, there’s more to the story).

Mom looked up with shock in her eyes…”What? I couldn’t do that!”

“What do you mean? You could easily do it. Just put him on the cushion, spin around and you’ve got him. It’s easy.”

“But, but, I can’t, I mean…that’s crazy. I don’t want to hurt him, I just want him to sit down.”

Me…”But you could make him sit down by sitting on him if you really HAD to, couldn’t you? I mean, if  you had to keep him on the couch to protect him from something dangerous, you could do that by sitting on him, right?”

“Well, yeah, but there’s nothing dangerous…I just want him to sit down.”

Me…”Cool…then let’s change some language here. The point isn’t that you “Can’t” get him to sit-down…but that you just haven’t figured out the best way to do it yet. Because if you really HAD to make him sit-down, you could…right?”

[ding]  the little light went on…

One of the most difficult parts of parenting a toddler is when we find ourselves in the position of believing there is nothing we can do. It sure does happen, doesn’t it? And it’s not by accident. It’s all part of the dance…and remember, we are dancing with pros.

Step back just a second and look at this “sit on the couch” adventure through the eyes of the toddler. First of all, it happens every night. Now, toddlers aren’t stupid. If something is happening every night, they are most certainly getting some “cookies” out of the deal…something is rewarding for them. In this case…think about it. Every night, they get to play a really cool game of having mom pick me up and drop me on the couch…over and over and over…and the entire time she is focused directly on me!!  Now, just how cool is that. Sure, she yells a bit, but hey, mom is a yeller and she feels bad about it later and comes in and hugs me…so it’s actually pretty cool. Besides…yelling is how we do things around here…and something I’m going to practice when I want something from mom & dad (yeah, we’ll talk about this later too).

What is important in all this is to remember that any time you have a “problem” with your toddler, don’t spend a lot of time trying to analyze the situation and “think it through like an adult” to figure out what is going on. These toddler things aren’t adults. They do what they need to do to get the results they want, using the resources they have available.

Can I say that again? Toddlers do what they need to do, to get the results they want, using the resources they have available.  The key is to get into their little minds and figure out just what the heck the kid is getting out of this behavior…and not focus so much on what the behavior is doing to us, or what it might look like to others. What are the “cookies” they are getting as a result of the “dance”? Then you get creative, and think of ways they can get those cookies in a more positive and healthy way.

Easy? Not always. But there is a certain amount of satisfaction that comes through realizing that “yes we can” do this parenting thing. And in the process, we have out-danced the pros!

By the way…at the next parent meeting “mom” announced that she had solved the sitting on the couch situation by turning it into a neat little game. Success! Now, did anyone have any ideas for how to get Timmy to stop flushing things down the stool?

You can do this…keep smiling.

May I Have Your Attention, Please.

Question: What is half-way between an adult, and a television set?

Answer: A toddler.

Ok, what is it with these creatures anyway? All is good, everyone is happy, everyone is having a grand old time playing with whatever it is they are playing with while we do whatever it is that we’re doing. And then the telephone rings. By the time we pick it up, the dance has started: “Hey mom, hey mom, hey mom, hey mom, hey mom….” The child that has been happily entertaining him or herself for the past 30 minutes is suddenly climbing up your leg, pulling the spatula out of the drawer to use to poke the parakeet through the cage, while trying to set fire to the refrigerator. Well, ok, it might not be quite that dramatic, but you know exactly what I’m talking about, don’t you? What the heck is going on here?

No, it’s not a form of alien possession connected to the magnetic resonance of telephones, though I do remember doing some research on that several years ago. And it’s not that your child is spoiled, or just acting like one of your least favorite relatives, And no, it’s not some form of justice being paid so your parents can watch from a safe distance and enjoy seeing you get back what you gave them (although I do have to admit there IS some satisfaction in that). it’s all about attention.

We all like having attention in one form or another. The issue is that toddlers like attention regardless of the form. They are the center of their little but ever-expanding world, and you and all of the other parts of that world are there to focus on them. Sometimes that means they want you right there, on the floor, in the middle of whatever they are doing…paying attention. Don’t mistake that for thinking they really want you to play “with” them…they don’t quite grasp that “with” concept yet (we’ll talk about that later), but they want you there…paying attention. At other times they are perfectly happy knowing you are nearby, watching them. They key is that you are watching them…even if you are busy “doing” something else they can be ok. There is nothing else clearly interrupting your primary purpose in life…paying attention to them.

Until the phone rings.

As soon as you start talking to the person on the phone, it means only one thing. “You aren’t paying attention to me anymore!” So, just like those highly trained SWAT teams, the number one mission is to recapture your attention. And there are two really important points here.

First, they really don’t care what kind of attention they get. At this point, negative attention is about the same as positive attention…they both accomplish the objective: you are with ME, and not whoever it is that you were talking too. And remember, these toddler people are professional dancers. They study your moves and steps and know exactly how to get you to step where they want you. They know exactly how to get you to respond…even if that’s negatively. “Why is it that she is a perfect little angel all morning and everything is great, and then the phone rings and she turns into some form of demon-spawn?” Why? Because it works. If she does it correctly, you end up getting off the phone and spending some extra time with her. Of course you are lecturing and shaking fingers and all that…but no matter…she has your attention. She wins!

Second, one of the things that frustrates us, and leads us to think that Aunt “whoever” is is correct and there might be something wrong with the child, is that it never seems to end. How much attention does one child need? “I spent the entire morning with him/her, and then I get one phone call, and it’s like I’ve ignored him for the past week! What is wrong with this child? How much attention does he/she need?”

The first mistake is that you are trying to figure this out logically. Hey, life will become much more enjoyable when you accept the fact that logic has nothing at all to do with being “Toddler”. We’ll talk more about this elsewhere, but for now just realize that your trying to “figure it out”, or trying to “make them understand” this whole thing is doomed to fail. The process will give them some nice attention, but it won’t change anything. Just wait until the next phone call.

But the good news is that toddlers do not demand attention all of the time. Yes, they do finally get enough attention and are happy to let you talk on the phone or do whatever else you want. When they are asleep. When they are awake…it’s “ME” time and you might as well figure out how to dance with it.

And there is the secret to sanity. Remember that this is called the Toddler Dance for a reason. In a dance, one person moves “here”, and the other responds by moving “there”. One leads, and the other follows. The key here is for you to figure out how to take the lead in your personal little Toddler Dance. And the advantage you have is thinking ahead and being creative. You aren’t going to make a Toddler behave like a 30 year old, but you can take advantage of the situation and take charge of the dance….here’s an example I recall…

Toddlers like games…especially when those games let them pretend to be like you. So, turn the phone thing into a game. Find an old phone, a ‘dead’ one is fine…or one of those that calls Bert, Ernie or Thomas the engine. Get with your Toddler and explain that you have a great game to play…and that it is really cool…and a big-kids game that is a lot of fun. The next time the phone rings…you will both grab your phones and visit with whoever is calling. You will both sit on the floor and lean back against the sofa and take notes. Then after the call, you will tell each other the story about your call. You have just re-framed the entire telephone call experience. Instead of taking you away from them, you have now made it a game you will play “with” your Toddler.

Will it work? Sometimes…maybe… Again, logic plays no part here, so what works this morning might not work this afternoon. But the whole point is to disrupt the negative dance that is underway and think of ways you can take the lead. There are other games to create…like…”Hey Suzie…when the phone rings I bet you can’t go bounce on your trampoline the whole time I’m talking. I’ll watch you and see!” Be creative…there are lots of possibilities.

Most of all, just remember that you can do this…so relax, and smile.